.....So Doug has been trying to get serious and get down to the business of becoming a Mr. Universe contender. He has been experimenting with a couple of what he calls "Super muscle buildin' wonderdrugs." The first of these drugs is called Zyban and is made to make you stop smoking. It worked for approximately 15 minutes and was then tossed in the garbage as he filled his Doral void. The second of these wonderdrugs that Doug is so hip on is called Tab. Doug claims that by just replacing his normal cola drinks with Tab it will build bulging biceps and pounds will disappear like a sofa under Rosie O'Donnell. I took a look at the wonderdrug/beverage and noticed this:

.

Use of this product may be hazardous to your health. This product contains Saccharin which has been determined to cause cancer in laboratory animals.

.....After reading this to Doug he responded, "I ain't no laboratory animal." I could not argue with him about that, but I did try to convince him that the drink might be dangerous. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hey Doug, that drink is dangerous."

Doug: "They wouldn't sell it if it was dangerous. After all it's The Uncola."

Me: "No it isn't."

Doug: "It's just one calorie."

Me: "No it isn't."

Doug: "Do the Tab!"

Me: "No."

Doug: "Make Tab Up-yours."

Me: "No."

Doug: "Fuck you. I'm gonna go smoke."

Me: "...."

Doug was downin' Tabs like they were going er,,, out of style.

"What's the matter Doug? The Tabs hurtin' your head?" I said. Doug responded, "No, for your information my glasses are just dirty."