.....I eat a large amount of fast food. I know it's not good for me, but it is fast, easy, delicious, and most importantly convenient. If the world of fast food eating was professional baseball I'd be Lou "fucking" Gehrig. I want you to understand that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to fast food. I'm not some Nancy-boy off the street. I'm a lean, mean, fast food eating machine without the lean and mean.

.....I'm sure all of you have seen the ads with cheeseburgers as big as Anna Nicole-Smith's tits looking all warm and moist and juicy, just beckoning you....."SuperGenius.....oh, SuperGenius, come over here and nibble on me....oh yeah.....theres steam comin off of me...yeah.....bite me....have a nibble....yes.....feel how crisp my lettuce is.....just the right amount of cheese on me baby....and it's melted sticky for you......oh................................................................................

.....Then reality strikes. I want everyone to understand that there is NO doctoring to this photo, or that burger. The burger was transported from McDonald's to my computer desk without any mishap on my part whatsoever. It was not dropped, leaned on, or in any other way molested by me. The point is that burgers look all big and delicious in the ads, but when you get there and get the real burger it looks like William "The Refrigerator" Perry had been sitting on it all day to keep it warm until you got there.

.....I mean come on, look at that thing. The bun looks like George Hamilton's fucking forehead for God's sake! It is completely dried out, flattened, and actually split open and broken apart, probably as a result of trying to crawl out from "The Fridge's" ass and get to a glass of water. It looked so good on the picture outside McDonalds. LOOK AT THAT SANDWICH!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!!!! For fuck's sake WHERE was the miscommunication at in that McDonald's that allowed this sandwich to filter out into the real world. It was begging for the trashcan, but at the last moment somehow it managed to get into my bag and fulfill its' destiny. I respected the sandwich for this, but just because I respect something doesn't mean I have to like it. When I realized that that there bun was composed of rye, I knew that this was not just going to be a visually disappointing sandwich, but much much worse.