.....Well, I learned some interesting things about Dracula this Christmas Day, and I am here to share them with you. The main sticking point, the ONE thing that you need to remember, the whole purpose of this film, is to remind you how great Virgin is, and that you need to go buy something from Virgin. Approximately 70% of all the shots in the film feature the Virgin logo of some sort.

.....It starts out with a familiar looking actor talking to another familiar looking actor about a very old looking crossbow silver arrow shooter-weapon. Turns out the older looking actor is portraying (insert name here) VanHelsing, a relative of Abraham VanHelsing(the guy who fought Dracula.). The British familiar looking actor makes a joke about Dracula and the crossbow and VanHelsing gets super-pissed and says that all that jibber-jabber that Bram Stoker wrote about was horse-shit. The over-angry response was foreshadowing kiddies, Dracula is real and he lives in this VanHelsing guys safe!

.....Next a bunch of guys(a couple of them familiar looking)and VanHelsing's super hot secretary(I was certain that she was super-hot, because the guy behind me felt the need to scream out very loudly, "I'd hit that.")break in to VanHelsing's safe looking for gold, or rubies, or peanut brittle, or something, and end up stealing a silver coffin because there is nothing else there and they think that it might have a nougat center. No nougat, just Dracula and he turns into a leech and pokes a guy in the eye and kills them all.

.....Now at first Dracula was pretty cool looking(see picture to the right)and I was going to root for him to kill the whole human race, but then he VERY quickly turned into a Fabioesque girlyman romancenovel cover looking nancy boy (see below). At this point I knew that Dracula had to be destroyed and the familiar looking British guy and VanHelsing and VanHelsing's recently introduced daughter were the ones to do it.