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| .....Sometimes at night does your dad sneak into your room and try on all of your baseball caps? Do you wonder why? When you see Nell Carter singing the national anthem do you get strangely aroused? Do you ask yourself why? Have you ever wondered if you could get hepatitis from drinking out of the toilet. Do you need help? Do you need answers? We have answers people! We make dreams come true here, baby! We know why, what, when, where, and how to solve your problems and answer your questions. We know what to do, and when to do it, and we are willing to share this information with you. The only thing YOU have to do is ask! So scurry on up to the e-mail link and send us your questions! |
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Dear SuperGenius, Q: I came to the realization today that I'm one great big fuck-up. My job is challenging and generally rewarding, but I work for retards. My girlfriend is gorgeous, but she's dysfunctional. My house is relatively large and swank, but it's afflicted with next-door yappy-dogs with ribbons in their fluffy little fur and more bad attitude than Tonya Harding in an un-refereed roller derby. Basically, the only thing in my life that isn't pissing me off is my computer, because it's the only thing that works properly without me constantly having to fuck with it. What the hell am I doing wrong? Sincerely, If-You-Print-My-Name-I'll-Fucking-Kill-You.
Glad to be of service, -SuperGenius xoxox Dear SuperGenius, Q: I am looking for plastic replacement wings for plastic lawn and garden decorations. High winds have damaged them. The bodies of the plastic birds and plastic insects are still intact but one or both wings are cracked or missing? Any ideas on a source? -Mark Wleizen A: This is not really my area of expertise, so I decided to call in someone alot more familiar with the nuances of creating a miniature golf atmosphere for your lawn.......Doug. Doug stated that your best bet is to go to small local craft stores. These places often carry an assortment of lawn decorations and the materials that you need to create your own. He also suggested going to the local drug store. I asked him why the drug store and he replied, "You can make a kickass giant mosquito using an empty Walker's bottle and some insulin syringes." I shook my head, and in some way hope that this helped you with your problem. -SuperGenius xoxoxo Dear Super Genius, Q: I have a problem. I am a guy in my mid 30's with no life. I have a soon-to-be wife, and a little boy. I have told many lies at work and in social life to make up for my lack of a life. I feel that I am close to being caught in my escapades. ITS GETTING SO CONFUSING NOW!!!!!! :( I now cant remember if I've told the same lies to different people. I am devastated that my shadow of coolness is about to fade away. My question to you Super Genius is this. Do I come clean with my coworkers, or do I ride the wave to the end? Sincerely, Hugh "It's better to burn out than fade away" K. Cobain A: Well, it's obvious to me that the people you are working with are probably bumbling dolts. I suggest you keep on lying, and take it to the next level. Lie about anything and everything. Tell them that you once traveled the Sudan on Battlecat and had to single handedly take out a regime of Saudi crossdressers bent on world domination. If they haven't caught you yet, they probably never will, so why not have some fun! If they do try to "call you out", just tell them that they are idiots and you we're joking about everything. This way it will make your original lies seem menial compared to the "whoppers" you had recently pulled out.
You're Welcome, SuperGenius xoxox Check out this, retard. Q: What stops the Moon from crashing into the Earth? Steveleyfamily
Thank you, please pull to the next window (retard), -SuperGenius xoxox staff, Q: I used to have a cat but now I don't. Meow? Carson Burling A: Alright.....let's take a break from all of these pet questions people. That wasn't even a question, unless you count the Meow? at the end. If Meow was the question I would answer it Woof, I guess. NEXT! -SuperGenius xoxox Dear SuperGenius, Q: I have a problem regarding my cat. You see, he's got long hair and from time to time after he has a poo it sticks to the hair around his butt causing him to smell like shit. Just the other day I was enjoying a soda when he walked by. The smell of his ass made me gage so badly that the soda came up along with the tuna salad I had, had for lunch. (this isn't as pleasant as I once thought it might be) Now I love my cat, he's friendly, cute and oh so sweet, but I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. Please Mr. SuperGenius I beg of you.... HELP ME! Sincerely Yours, QT A: Alright, I'm not sure why, but I get alot of questions dealing with people's pets here and it's kind of a disturbing trend. That's O.K. though because we are here to help. The one thing you HAVE to keep in mind when dealing with an unruly pet is that animals have no souls, so if you have to get extreme with them God doesn't care. It seems as though the fur on your pet is the problem so it can be dealt with in a fast and clean way. I suggest you go to the store and buy 10-20 bottles of Nair and pour them into a trash bag. Insert your cat into the bag and pretend it's a chicken drumstick in a bag of shake and bake. After about 10 minutes of shaking shower the cat and your poo problem is gone! You're welcome, -SuperGenius xoxox
Q: SuperGenius, I noticed that you said, and I quote, "Basically what it does is implants a tiny chip into the vas deferans in the back lobe of your brain that actually restricts blood flow lowering IQ's proportionally to the days remaining until Christmas." I'm a doctor, and I believe the vas deferans in not in fact located in the brain, but rather in the abdominal section of the male. I'm sure this was just a typo by your secretaries (the Ass-Fuck Twins). But I didn't want to lead your readers a stray. Dr. Quasimoto Centurion Augustus, MD Egypt, B.F. A: Oh, well it appears we have a Mr. Smarty Pants "doctor" in the house that thinks he knows more about anatomy than a bona fide super-genius. Maybe you should take a look at these diagrams before you continue practicing your quackery tough guy.
Now I believe that the diagram clearly shows that the vas deferens shoots off to the side and wraps around the spinal column leading directly to the brain. I know this is true because I found it on the Internet.
You should also be aware that sometimes the vas deferens wraps itself around the spinal column too tightly and can cause sexual dysfunction as well (Which would explain the impure thoughts you have about your camel everyday you quack.) I hope this cleared up any misunderstandings and thank you for your contribution Dr. Augustus(you quack). -SuperGenius xoxox
Q: Dear SMOTW, Since it is the holiday season my question is why is it most people around Christmas seem to lose their god damn minds with decorations (sometimes put up before thanksgiving), and the mad shoppers are filling the streets with even more retarded drivers. -Udo in Indiana A: Ah yes, this is another good question AND it turns out I've been doing some research on this very subject! First the easy answer. Every year the business communities team up with the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to enact a nefarious scheme. While our drivers stop in to renew their licenses, or get their licenses, the photo machine is actually implanting the brain restrictive Christmas mind control device thing......our R&D team is still working on a proper name for it. Basically what it does is implants a tiny chip into the vas deferens in the back lobe of your brain that actually restricts blood flow lowering IQ's proportionally to the days remaining until Christmas. If you have ever been unfortunate enough to be at a mall the day before Christmas, it looks like a scene from Dawn of the Dead. This "control" chip leaves people more susceptible to misleading sales schemes that they would normally scoff at. This especially applies to ridiculous lawn and home decorations, like a statue of Santa blowing a trumpet using his ass for the front lawn. It also makes them drive like Stevie Wonder. As for the decorations, I have a theory on that as well. Any house that puts up copious amounts of decorations, or puts them up very early should be avoided at all costs. The families are trying to show off how Norman Rockwellish they are, even though they know that their 16 year old daughter has seen more cock than Colonel Sanders, and that daddy probably wasn't just kidding when he said that he hated everyone in the family and couldn't wait to die. In closing Christmas stinks, vote Labor Day! -SuperGenius xoxox
Q: Dear SMOTW, I am the proud owner of a golden retriever. He is about 18 months old and the most beautiful dog I've ever seen. I try to take care of him the best I can. But every night, I come home from school and my dad has the dog locked up with him in his room. Upon entering the door, I always see a container of PeterPan peanut butter on the TV and some peanut butter applied to my father's penis. Dad says this is normal training for golden retrievers but I can't find that in the manual anywhere. Can you explain? -Billy in Idaho A: First of all congratulations on the purchase of your Golden Retriever, they are smart and beautiful dogs. I actually have a couple of theories on this one. The first one involves a lack of effort on your part Billy. I fear that you may be slacking off on some of your chores at home, particularly doing the dishes. This is forcing your poor father to use his penis as a peanut butter spreading device to make a nourishing sandwich. The second theory is a bit more distressing. I fear that your father MAY be sexually molesting your beautiful canine. The only way to know for sure is going to require some training on your part. What you are going to have to do is teach your dog that a peanut butter covered penis is an attack signal, so that anytime a peanut butter covered weenier is flashed in the dogs face it goes into a homicidal rage and bites the offending member. This will cure your father if that's the problem. Try doing the dishes first though you lazy turd. -SuperGenius xoxox
Q: Do most men stereotype women as wanting to "catch" them and lead them to the altar at all costs? I'm not like this at all, but men relate to me as if I am before they get to know me. They make comments about commitment when all I want to do is have some sushi. -Cynthia in Maine A: This is indeed a good question Cynthia. I think that you might be a lesbian. Sushi seems to be a metaphor in this case representing the female genitalia. By trying to ignore these feelings, and constantly dating the pathetic men that will not be turned off by your buzz-haircut and flannel shirt collection it has given you a jaded opinion of all men. My advice is to head on over to the nearest coffee shop and pick yourself up a nice hairy-legged woman. There is nothing wrong with this, so just be yourself. I hope that I have helped. -SuperGenius xoxox
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A:
Where to start, where to start. First of all, you will probably
be working for retards the rest of your life. I have a theory on
this and I actually have given it a name.....I call it the "You'll
always work for retards" theorem. It goes something like this:
as long as you have a job noone will understand your job because
they have to concentrate on their jobs which are not the same as
your job even though part of their job may be to make sure that
you are doing your job even though they may not know what that may
be, thusly making them impotent to perform any job and appear as
a retard. There is no known cure for this problem as far as I know.
You aren't doing anything wrong my friend, these are just laws of
nature that prevent anyone from ever being happy. Nothing would
ever get done if everyone was satisfied with the way things were.
What you have to try to do is figure out exactly what it is that
you want. Figuring out what you want is alot harder to do than achieving
it once you have truly decided. There is another alternative as
well though.......bury your sorrows in the sweet embrace of mother
booze. Nothing will help you get over girl problems or drown out
the memories of whimpering Lhasa Apso's as you choked the life out
of them like sweet sweet booze.
A:
Good question! I had to do some research on this, but I believe
I have found the answer. Imagine our solar system as a wading pool
full of tar. Now in this tar there are nine planets, the sun, and
the planet's moons and Malcolm Jamal Warner of Cosby Show fame.
Now imagine that the sun is in the center and it is spinning around
in the tar. As the tar begins to spin the planets begin to......hmmm.
Wait, bad analogy. Think of the universe being completely empty
except for earth and moon. For someone on the earth (and is wise
in the ways of gravitational forces), it seems as if there is a
"force" that is making sure that the moon is staying up
in the sky, counterbalancing the gravitational pull toward earth.
The heavier the moon, the bigger the force to keep it up there.
For someone peeping out the situation from a spaceship, it is clear
what really causes the "force" that prevents the moon
from crashing into earth....the rotation. Earth and moon rotate
around each other like two spinning roller-skaters, but they don't
need to hold hands if they have enough gravitational attraction.
(Think of it as an invisible rubber band.) The person looking on
from the outside clearly identifies the centrifugal force as the
force to keep the moon from approaching earth. 
1. Testis
2. Epididymis
3. Vas Deferens
4. Urethra
5. Prostate Gland
6. Seminal Vesicle
7. Bladder
8. Penis
9. Urethra
1. Cerebrum
2. Corpus callosum
3. Thalamus
4. Hypothalamus
5. Midbrain
6. Pons
7. Vas Deferens
8. Medulla oblongata
